As a warning, this is my third attempt to write this...it's surprisingly tricky, because I'm actually trying to be fair to both genders.

In the past week, I've stumbled upon two separate articles about the roles of men and women in relationships and society.

In the first article, it discussed studies on dating sites which found a recent trend of more women longing for independence and not necessarily long-term committment. Males, on the other hand, are the ones more apt to seek out emotional connections. It also threw in some lovely little comments about how domestic skills (cooking, sewing, etc) are dying out among young women under the age of 30. Sidenote: The guys I know, on average, cook more often and with greater skill than the girls I know of the same age and economic background.

The second article was about a book coming out (written by a man, no less) which suggests women are actually proven to be better drivers, gamblers, investors, bearers of pain...and basically everything else there is to be better at, gender-wise.

I added up the things I learned from these articles and of course arrived at the (obvious) conclusion that women are finally being recognized as a force to be reckoned with--we're independent and can take care of ourselves. We're capable of making and raising babies with little to no paternal help; we're capable of managing finances and bringing home the bacon; we can pump our own gas; we can solve our own problems, pay for our own food, buy our own houses (by "we," I mean "women in general," because I personally cannot do all of this at the moment).

In short, women don't need men.

My initial reaction to this summation was: DAMN RIGHT WE DON'T! (what? no bitterness at all) and THANK GOD! It's about TIME we finally realize this! BEING A WOMAN IS SO FUCKING AWESOME!!!!!

On a semi-related note, someone (a guy)recently told me I seem like the "Black Widow" type. I asked him what he meant, and he said I seemed the type to make a guy suffer, in that I was the type of woman who'd slash a guy and leave him to die on the sidewalk. I was at first offended, then I admitted he had a bit of a point (in my head, of course...I will never admit defeat to a male), and then I reveled in the power that came with realizing males fear me, because this wasn't the first time I received a comment like that. More often I get things along the lines of "you're intimidating," or wounded remarks when a guy goes to open the door for me and I walk ahead to open it myself.

Force of habit, I swear.

So then I wondered...is it possible that some females and some males switching roles? (I'm trying really hard not to make blanket statements) When I think of the perpetually single females I know...they are the ones who make it a point to take matters into their own hands at all possible moments.

Are we doing too much? Are we stepping on guys' biological inclination to feel needed?

I remember learning early on that boys were taught to not show their emotions, to not cry, and all that fun stuff. I agree with that, and I also believe its unhealthy. But I also remember learning early on that as a female, I could not rely on males for...well, anything. Is that unhealthy, too? Maybe it's me and my fucked-up acquaintances, or maybe it's not. I honestly don't know.

I know when I've hurt a guy's feelings (hindsight and all), and I also know it was not intentional so much as it was to send the message of "I don't NEED you." As it so happens, I've never been good at communicating the message of "I WANT you," but that is neither here nor there. It was part defense mechanism and part "I'm a big strong girl, I can be cool about this."

After eleventy billion years of women getting trampled on, it seems in one sense at least, we're finally getting our chance to shine. But at what cost?

Making assertions that women are superior is fun because I'm a woman who's had more than enough negative experiences with guys to last for the next 45 years, but...is it really any better, any more accurate, or any more just than saying men are superior? Those feelings of worthlessness and insecurity should not be felt by women, nor should they be felt by men (sigh...I'm too nice sometimes, really). It seems we have a problem presenting men and women as equals--professionally, women still get the shaft but perhaps emotionally (and that's the focus of this train of thought), men are the ones being short-changed.

I'm not sure exactly what, if anything, to make out of this. I'm well aware of double standards in society...but it's important to remember that these double standards go both ways.

I'm not a guy, so perhaps I do ultimately give them too much credit...I don't know.

How much do guys need to be needed (in a non-creepy way)? How much does it bother them when women can do everything on their own? Is it a big deal? Do men actually care? Are they fine with women taking the wheel? Would they rather take the wheel together?

I don't know, and it's not like I have very many guys I can ask for input. Putting myself in a guy's shoes, as a human being, I'd like to feel needed by someone I need in return, but...that's just me. I could be wrong. Thoughts?

It's no secret the past couple years of my life have been my own personal hell. I'm sure plenty of people can say the same--the world seems to churn out more depressing news daily. For me, I've dealt with a lot of bad things, a lot of stressful things. I made some poor decisions, dealt with some rotten consequences. I had to face hard realities that have still not come to fruition--I know the road ahead of me will be no easier. Because things have been so confusingly awful lately, I've tried to think back on things and pull some lessons from my mistakes and the mistakes of others, as well as those natural events that aren't the result of a mistake so much as they are simply part of Life. I truly believe in the beauty of learning something new from everything. When I was younger, I wrote up lists for things I learned every year in college. It was trivial stuff like not being late to pick up my delicate laundry in a co-ed dorm room or making sure I didn't walk into a meeting with food on my teeth/chin/shirt.

Now I see, there are tangible things we learn--how to cook, clean, function in our daily life--as well as more intangible (and perhaps more important?) things we learn as well--how to handle emotions, death, loss...and still managing to survive with a shred of dignity or hope.

I know now only one thing: That I ultimately know nothing.

Everything is constantly changing, and perhaps what I've tentatively decided on below will change in a month or a year. Maybe it won't change at all. I don't know.

But I've spent a lot of time thinking certain things over, and here is what I've come up with:

1.       No one can fully understand a relationship except for the two people in it. An outside person does not (and probably should not) know every detail of someone else’s relationship. As such, they cannot judge entirely or claim to “know” what’s best. What I would do is not necessarily what you would do, and there are times when neither or both plans of action is/are wrong. That being said, no one can view the relationship objectively unless they are outside of it. Opinions on relationships from outside sources do not have to be followed, but often they should be considered.

2.       There are some things you simply cannot control. You cannot blame yourself for other people’s failures, nor can you beat yourself up over someone else’s pain. Empathize, sympathize, support, but realize you can do no more. Give love and harm no one; do not take the burden of guilt for harm you did not cause, because it will only eat at you inside.

3.       All humans long to be loved. We all need love and affection, but we have to be careful not to look for this love in the wrong places. It’s easy to become distracted from the things we really want and from the person we really are. Sometimes, we try so hard to hold onto someone or something that we end up as something we are not. We over-compensate, we rush, we gloss over what makes us unique in an attempt to mold to what we perceive as someone else’s ideal. So many of us search for the same things, but we get all bogged down by perceptions and misconceptions and in the end, no one wins. We wind up traveling so far adrift from our destination that by the time we realize what happened...we're nothing more than facsimiles of our true selves. And who does that honestly benefit? Bottom line: You shouldn’t have to alter yourself for someone else and they shouldn’t have to alter themselves for you. 

4.       People do not change because someone tells them to; they change because they want to. Change has to come from the inside, not the outside. Even the best and most careful advice will fall on deaf ears if no one chooses to hear it. For those of you out there who think you can get someone to change--to quit smoking, to settle down, to do anything--just give it up. It doesn't matter how much you love that person--ultimately, what matters is how much they love themselves, and how much they love you.

5.       Prioritize. Too much clutter means no time for the things that matter most. What do you ACTUALLY care about? What and who makes you happy? You know who makes you a priority and who doesn’t. Friendships of any nature or of any age cannot thrive unless both people involved want them to.

6.       Do not under any circumstances seek out a romantic relationship when you’re barely capable of handling yourself. KNOW yourself, because if you don’t know you…how do you expect anyone else to? How to you expect to know anyone else? In order to have a genuine, healthy relationship, you have to be able to consider your needs AND the needs of your partner. If you can’t get your own act straight, taking on someone else’s baggage will only hurt you both.

7.       Don’t be afraid to de-friend people, on Facebook or in life. Life is not a popularity contest. Well, okay...maybe it is. But I'd much rather mean the world to 20 people than mean nothing to 300 people. It’s often nothing personal; it’s just a matter of priority and privacy, two things severely lacking in this day and age. Lives are meant to intersect—not parallel or merge into the same thing. It’s okay to grow apart from someone and grow closer to someone else. Everyone has a life to lead, and we all must welcome those who come and go throughout different stages in life. Not everyone who sat by us when we ate lunch in kindergarten fits into our lives as we grow up.  You cannot place your life alongside someone else’s and determine which is more successful, more valuable, more important. It is impossible, futile, and detrimental to your peace of mind.

8.       We all, at some point, look for signs in the universe to help us along in making an important decision. We ask for a sign to tell us if we should take a job, if we should carry on another day, or if "he loves me, loves me not." When I was younger, I’d see the name of the boys I had a crushes on EVERYWHERE, so…NATURALLY I took this as a sign that we were destined to be together. But now I realize I only noticed the particular name at a particular time because it was perpetually on my mind. I was giving power to the name and the connection, seeing the signs I so desperately wanted to see. The truth is, we can look for “signs” from the universe all we want but ultimately, we’re only going to see what we want to see, if and when we’re ready to see it.

9.       This too shall pass. Everything must come to an end. Happy times, bad times, things as mundane as grocery shopping; as routine a project for work or school; as celebrated as a wedding; as scary as illness; as beautiful as a life. The natural progression of things involves both the Good and the Bad. For every birth, a death.  All good things come to an end, but so do all bad things. That much is a guarantee. The best we can do is appreciate the Good and do our best to make it through the Bad.

10.   All of life is but a letting go. We have to let go of things—childhood toys, outdated ideas, even those we love. We naturally outgrow things. Holding on to what doesn't fit us any more simply stifles and eventually suffocates us. Ultimately we walk through life alone. Now, I don’t want to get into the whole religious/spiritual component here for those who believe Jesus walks beside us; I’m just sticking with the physical, tangible logistics. No one else knows the full burden of another human being; no two lives are the same. No two lives begin or end at the exact same moment. Thus, we must make our own decisions to carry on, move on, and craft our own lives as we see fit. In order to do so, however, we must always let go of something in order to make room for something new.